It’s been a little over six months since my mom passed away. I finally feel like I have enough strength to try writing again.
Last summer, when my mom was quite sick with the cancer that eventually killed her, I was struggling more than I ever had before. I was on my way up to see her and stopped to spend some time with friends in
. I joined them for their Sunday church
service, before heading the rest of the way up to South
Carolina to see my parents. The
worship team began to play a very familiar song that I had sung many times
before. I began to sing with no specific emotion, as often happens when you
know a song so well. “Forever Reign” by Hillsongs. It got to the chorus of the
song which says, Franklin,
“Oh, I’m running to Your arms, I’m running to Your arms. The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace, Light of the World forever reign.”
I was suddenly hit like a brick. A wave of intense grief washed over me. I though, “I don’t want to run to anyone’s arms but my mother’s.” She was the one that had been there for me all my life. We were not just mother and daughter, we were best friends. She was my cheerleader, my support, my counselor, the first person I wanted to share news with. I just couldn’t stop weeping with the thought that God wasn’t going to heal her in this life. He was going to take her to her heavenly home, despite what everyone’s hopes and prayers were. I wanted more than anything to be able to always run into her arms.
I started to question, “Would God’s love be enough?” It didn’t feel like it! I just wanted my mom. I started wrestling my thoughts with God. “Why do you have to take her? Will I still love you the same? How can I go on without my biggest supporter?”
My answer finally came. Where else would I go?
Just like Simon Peter, when most of the disciples had left, said in John 6:68…
“Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God”
I realized the only one that had truly been there for me all my life without fail was Jesus. I didn’t grow up in a Christian home. My parents did not become believers until I was in my late teens. I had attended church my whole life, but my family wasn’t saved. God was the one who was with me always. Where else could I turn?
To be honest, it was with great trepidation that I settled with that. I was mad at God. I knew he would take her, but I also knew I had no where else to go. I realized I could be mad at God and still love and follow him. I felt like David in Psalm 22.
“O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent. Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One”
I realized I could be in those two places at once. I could be upset and questioning and yet still know that God is on the throne and He is good. I never understood that before that point in time.
Now almost a year from that day, I am no longer mad. I know that God spared her of suffering. I still miss her everyday. I always will. I now have a peace that God will carry me through and make me stronger.